So what really makes life worth living? Is it the number of people you know? The grades you get? Affirmation from people who matter? The proverbial happiness? Or simply loving and being loved in return?

What if you are loved, but can't love in return? Its not just about saying I love you, its also about showing it, doing things that matter and building each other's happiness. What if, in making this, the biggest decision of my life to date, I also begin to lose someone who means so much more than anything else? I'm scared. And I have no idea how to handle this. Its all well and good to make promises and plan for the future, but how do you plan for a future that seems to encompass nothing but work and no time? I want this more than anything, far beyond anything else I ever have, or probably ever will want. I say I can, I really want to, but how much are we really masters of our fate? I'm dead scared I'm going to lose it, I probably will. The problem is, I have no idea how not to set the gears in motion, moving towards what seems like an inevitability. (Maybe I do, maybe I'm just being a selfish bitch) The point is. I'm freaking scared.

Can you, will you, should you, even when I can't be around? What if I'm never ever there?

I don't want this to be a could've, would've, should've. I need to know what to do. How do I tell you all that I want to? I'd sound insane. Heck I probably already do, but that's beside the point. I suppose, I should apologise in advance, for everything I have, and will ever do to you. You don't deserve all this shit.

Its going to be a long night.