when all my brightest days are dark.

2009-09-21T13:21:00.003+08:00

So prelims are (just about) over, and since I'm so screwed for Lit paper 2 I suppose it doesn't really count as a paper? Does that even make sense? It does to me ):

Kinda hard to believe that all those years of school have come down to this, the last month and a half of madness, where all the studying or non-studying that you did culminates in 9 papers. What you do in the exam hall a month and a half from now will make or break your future, your choice of uni etc. How is it that everything comes down to this? It doesn't even seem remotely fair; what if a small misreading of a passage or question were to precipitate into some huge mistake, one which you don't even realise you've made till the end of the paper? And by then all you can do is swear furiously in your head (or out loud, whichever suits you) and hope that everything else you did right will be enough to bolster the mistakes. Even that is sometimes too much a stretch of the imagination when you're writing an econs, geog, lit, or gp essay. Hey what dyou know, that's pretty much all my subjects! In essence: its do or die.

Also scary how one small mistake can affect the rest of your life. I (think I) know what I want to do with my life, but what if, just what if, I make the wrong decision? I mean you could spend your whole life doing the right thing (not that I'm saying that I have, but this being a supposition, we shall assume the ceteris paribus condition), and in making that single wrong decision, ruin your whole life. Something akin to the butterfly effect? idk. Anyway point was that suppose I realised halfway through my course of study in the uni that I hated my major, I couldn't restart, could I? I mean technically I could, but that would waste a hell lot of time and money, both of which I doubt I really have.. Its things like these that make me afraid, but how can you be afraid of both the present and the future? At the same time I miss the past and have great expectations for the future, so how does all that fit together? I know I'm rambling but that's what happens when you're steeped in boredom and monotony. I don't know how people can be muggers all the way, don't you have something better to do with your life? The prospect of 1.5 more months of this is insanely... mundane, oxymoronic for lack of a better expression. I flip through my notes going, hey I know this already, I shouldn't have to read it again should I? And then I think, crap I think I'd better, what if I've missed something out??? ..and so the boredom continues.

....back to Stats ):

2009-08-30T18:10:00.000+08:00

It just hit me - this week was the last proper week of school that we had. Having mixed feelings about that. One on hand I'm glad we'll have more time to study without having to go for lessons which sometimes are nothing but a complete and utter waste of time, but on the other hand, I daresay I'm going to miss the routines, the hanging out in class, talking to random people along the corridor, and the knowledge that everyone's going to be there. After this week and the rest of the prelims, I can't say for sure that I'm going to get to see everyone properly anymore. Apart from the fact that there'll be the checking of papers, everyone's going to be doing their own studying.. No more congregating as a clique/class to laugh at the guys playing bridge, no more sitting in class during extended breaks (read: GP), no more anything, just blind eat sleep shit study. After that? Well I suppose there will always be prom after that, but again, not everyone's going. And after prom? People will be going away on holiday, then the mad rush to apply for unis and everything is going to begin, people are going to fly off to begin the rest of their lives, nothing's going to the the same.

Where did the 2 years of JC go? They weren't kidding when they told me to treasure it. I THINK I have, but it turns out that maybe it wasn't enough. I'd like time to freeze, or press the slo-mo button, so that whatever little time we have left can be treasured and utilised right down to the last second.

By an extension of that point, I'd also like time to slow down so that I'd get more studying done. It seems that my brain hasn't begun to assimilate how much I have left to do, and at this point in time, I'd say that that's an especially worrying prospect. "What will people say if you can't even make it to uni?" I sometimes wonder. Its not a very pleasant thought, and one which warrants more emphasis. Perhaps its not always good to be "unambitious and not very concerned with getting ahead in life" as my Civil Service College test result proclaims. (or something to that effect anyway)

Well okay back to whatever I was trying to do. Perhaps I'll attempt an Econs essay. Time to buckle down or I'm going to get pwnzed inside out, outside in, left right centre in 2 months.

GAME ON. There's no looking back, not now, not ever.

2009-08-01T22:51:00.004+08:00

merrilllllllll says:
WAH WTF
merrilllllllll says:
I REALISE IN YOUR BLOGPOST
merrilllllllll says:
WHEN YOU SPRAINED YOUR ANKLE
merrilllllllll says:
YOU DID NOT THANK ME FOR HELPING YOU GET HOME
kat. says:
ahahaha
merrilllllllll says:
LOUSY!!!!!

HI MERRILL THANKS FOR GETTING YOUR DAD TO SEND ME ALL THE WAY HOME WHEN I KILLED MY ANKLE LAST YEAR. THOSE WERE GOOD TIMES (: (not spraining my ankle)

BANKAI

2009-07-16T23:06:00.001+08:00

in 6 weeks, we will all have to BANKAIIIIIIIIII.

okay freaking tired i think its screwing with my brain off to sleep (off with her head) hahaha okay wtf.

2009-07-13T22:47:00.000+08:00

i miss the times we had, as good friends or otherwise

FOCUS

2009-07-11T14:05:00.002+08:00

i need to focus, need to keep telling myself that all this will be worth it, and i really really really need to get to it. there are only 7 weeks to prelims, which means all my work needs to be top grade by then. to run through all of year one's work, and polish this year's in that small amount of time, is insane, to say the least. i need to buck up and start being anxious about all this, yet i can't be overly nervous or i'll just shut down and go into denial mode. once again its that fine line that seems to intrude into everything that i try to do.

i need to get a move on, in so many other ways than just this. someone tell me how to do it.

"there's a divinity that shapes our ends,
rough hew them how we will."

now, more than ever, i'm convinced that shakespeare knew exactly what he was doing.

how to take an interest in your life again

2009-07-06T22:00:00.006+08:00

So this weekend has been pretty fun, and since I promised Mel I'd blog 2 days ago, I guess this is overdue. Haven't really posted proper stuff in a while either anyway.

So Thursday marked the end of CT2, which I must say has been something of a catastrophe for me, to say the least. Anyone looking at my grades when they come back is going to think that probably couldn't be bothered to study cause my geog, math and econs grades are going to be dismal, and that's already understating it. I'm at least slightly more optimistic about Lit due to the fact that I might actually have been able to understand something for once in my 2 years of JC lit, enough perhaps, to scrape a B. Anyway so Friday after Geog 3B basically hung around the canteen talking nonsense (which we so happen to excel at) and uhhh watching people. Saw the Hist people and realised their paper was probably as bad as ours had been. Went straight home after that though, cause I seem to be disinterested in doing some stuff nowadays..

Friday was awesome cause it was a whole retarded day out with Mel, Sal, & Chermz :D Lunched at California Pizza Kitchen, where we had 3 awesome pizzas, and sat there talking for about 2 hours. Noted that most people came and went but we sat for such a long time that Mel managed to get comfortable enough to put her feet up on the seat and make Sal and Chermz think that our side had more space than theirs. Walked around aimlessly after that, before deciding to check Orchard Central out. Have to say it was kinda a disappointment cause most of the stores weren't open yet, and whatever that was was wholly uninteresting. The 2 things most of interest to us were the B&J's shop on the 8th floor, and the red comfy chairs in the basement. (&Since when have food and being a pig not appealed to me?) I think we just walked around aimlessly after that, before deciding to walk to City Hall cause Chermz had to pass sth to her friend. I almost died when they suggested walking from Somerset to City Hall. As if that wsn't enough, we walked around Raffles City (our hometown right, Sal the elitist?) twice and then around the entire City Hall area once. I think my soles were seriously ready to fall off. Anyway not complaining cause they're amazing company (: Haven't had so much fun in a long time.

I quote from Sal's blog:
"
Mel has like a mental map of all the seats available in the various shopping centers along the whole stretch until raffles city. but I must say she became really enthusiastic about walking after we passed plaza sing. then things got a bit retarded. or maybe chermz got retarded.
At a junction, the green man was blinking so we were ready to make a dash for it.
chermz "STOP! I cannot."
kat "oh yah the drink."
-light turns red-
chermz "okay NOW! GO!"
owned.

"hey doesnt it feel like homecoming?"
"huh?"
"just look ahead raffles hotel and raffles city" :))

We then proceeded to raffles city since chermz was meeting a friend there.
chermz "kat do you rmb how she looks like?"
kat "yah. arent you supposed to pass the ks bull to her?"
chermz "I know. I just forgot how she looks like."
"

OH and Sal said the funniest thing to me that day.
Kat, " oh yea I like the movie Anastasia."
Sal, "Yea and I think the spider in Charlotte's Web is also called Anastasia!"
K, "but its called CHARLOTTE'S WEB"
S, " OH"
..but I digress.

Sat was shopping with mum and Jon. Basically walked around Orchard again, and looked at lots of stuff but bought nothing. Stuff was cheap but uninteresting/not as nice as it should have been, so I bought nothing but Watchmen and a Sesame Street file. How sad is that ):

Sun I baked a cake for the first time in my life. I can't believe I've never baked one before yesterday, seeing as i'd baked cookies and blondies and stuff countless other times. Anyway the lemon yoghurt cake turned out pretty well so I'm quite happy.

Today was brunch with Yingy, Kris, Tying and Miffie! Was great cause we found this place called Jones The Grocer at Dempsey, which serves awesome food at pretty decent prices. Something like $12.50 for coconut pancakes, ice cream, and mango cubes. Loved it, but it was such a huge serving that Miff and I were struggling to finish ours. Have no idea how Tying finished hers so fast. Uhh insanely long walk out of Dempsey area after that, then took a bus to The Cathay to watch Duplicity. Was alright, but quite confusing cause they kept jumping back and forth. Notbad day, in essence.

Don't get how people write long posts about their day to day musings, and how it can all sound so reflective and almost good enough to publish in a book. Sometimes I wonder if they rip it off from somewhere, or I just don't think enough. Does one actually have to take time to formulate such intricate thought processes or does it come to you as naturally as the day turns into night? I wish I could, yet I'm afraid to try/am too lazy to try. Realise that's a major problem with me, that I simply don't have the drive to strive for anything. Everything I realise is mostly on hindsight, and even then I console myself, telling myself that I could've achieved that if I'd tried, and no one else would even come close. But hindsight is useless when you can't have a do-over. Someday I'd like an epiphany to hit me so hard when I'm in the midst of doing something, that it knocks the living daylights out of me, makes me realise that I can be so much more than I'm being at that split second in time, and make me get to it. Okay maybe not knock the living daylights outta me in the literal sense since that would probably make the epiphany useless.

random thought: i'm damn weird.

Coulda, woulda, shoulda. I don't want to be that person.

2009-06-23T23:58:00.001+08:00

screw cts there's no way i'm going to finish revising. ))))))))))))))))))))))):

Life is full of lots of up and downs,
And the distance feels further when you're headed for the ground,
And there is nothing more painful than to let you're feelings take
you down,
It's so hard to know the way you feel inside,
When there's many thoughts and feelings that you hide,
But you might feel better if you let me walk with you
by your side,

And when you need a shoulder to cry on,
When you need a friend to rely on,
When the whole world is gone,
You won't be alone, cause I'll be there,
I'll be your shoulder to cry on,
I'll be there,
I'll be a friend to rely on,
When the whole world is gone,
you won't be alone, cause I'll be there.

All of the times when everything is wrong
And you're feeling like
There's no use going on
You can't give it up
I hope you work it out and carry on
Side by side,
With you till the end
I'll always be the one to firmly hold your hand
no matter what is said or done
our love will always continue on

Everyone needs a shoulder to cry on
everyone needs a friend to rely on
When the whole world is gone
you won't be alone cause I'll be there
I'll be your shoulder to cry on
I'll be there
I'll be the one you rely on
when the whole world's gone
you won't be alone
cause I'll be there!

And when the whole world is gone
You'll always have my shoulder to cry on....
as if you'll remember even sending this to me

heidi klum!

2009-06-11T20:02:00.006+08:00

favourite model :D super funny video.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dvmykRabhLg

oh oh oh another part of the same episode!!! she's so cute

2009-05-31T14:41:00.000+08:00

srsly why do i even bother?

..no don't answer that.

2009-05-27T21:54:00.000+08:00

"till the end of time
the friendship holds.
as was not measured in dime
together down the path life unfolds."

remember?

signs

2009-05-11T19:58:00.004+08:00

2009-04-21T23:29:00.002+08:00

if what i've heard is even partially true, all i can say is that i'm hurt, angry and very mad. if you're only going to come to me when you need me and you've done what i think you might have done, then i really don't think this so called 'friendship' should even exist. i mean seeing as we don't even talk and all, then forget it. i'd told myself that i wasn't going to be a sucker ever again, and hey you're not worth my time thanks.

good times.

2009-04-18T19:01:00.004+08:00

Look what I found while I was clearing my folders! Click to enlarge. Hope they don't get pixellated D:

2009-03-21T18:05:00.003+08:00

CTs start in one and a bit days, and I don't think I'm even close to being halfway prepared for them. I'll probably scrape through Math and Geog, and Epic Fail Lit and Econs. Especially Econs cause I really have no idea what's going on in the Govt Intervention and Market Failure notes. ): ggxxyyzz to the max.

did you know that i used to listen to 'broken hearts parade' everyday because you loved it and because you were so sad about her? right now walking away seems to be the solution.

//edit
THIS CAT IS SO CUTE OMG.

2009-03-09T22:00:00.001+08:00

Even though I pretend that I've moved on
You'll always be my baby
I never found the words to say
You're the one I think about each day
And I know no matter where love takes me to
A part of me will always be with you

2009-02-15T22:33:00.000+08:00

awesome mash up!

2009-02-14T16:24:00.000+08:00

2009-01-03T22:21:00.003+08:00

Okay happy new year everyone!

Too lazy to blog about everything. I know my blog's falling into neglect, and it seems its doomed to fall deeper into that seeing as this year will probably be THE craziest year of my life. i'm not giving up on you

2008-11-14T23:20:00.005+08:00

today was hardcore math mugging day, finished 1.5 topics. and then headed to toys r us to get my niece her one month present, and then hung out at times for almost 2 hours. i got a new book again so yay i love getting new books.

anyway the week's been pretty good. okay the saturday before was hsm3 and quantum of solace. hsm was a disaster, contrary to what mel might tell you. i almost fell asleep / walked out of the cinema and s just sat there going oh my gawddd. quantum was alright, though i really expected more. it was... forgettable (to use a cliche)

wed was befrienders meeting, and then mel, chels, cx, yongsheng and i headed to cx's house / orchard to hang out, which was tons of fun. chelsia seriously cracks me up, and cx discovered the awesome hokkien mee at wisma. yes, i had a lot of fun. isle meeting back in school after that where we spent 2.5 hours planning stuff. i could love these people.

this is such a lousy post and i think i'm falling sick cause i have a damn evil headache. i think its because i keep thinking about __ and its driving me insane. i have no idea what to do to make us better. i dont want to let go but something tells me our time is coming and i hate it.

2008-11-13T00:00:00.002+08:00

i don't know it still feels like good friends but inside i know i love you so much
and i dont say i love a guy unless its really true.

2008-11-03T23:07:00.004+08:00

So World Cup is over (I wasn't last for anythingggg), with its end pretty much marking then end of my so called swimming career. Right now its back to SSC and back to the books. Its going to be a mad dash to the end as of now and I really need to get off my butt and start working before I fall even further behind.

I don't think I really know the meaning of working hard. All my life i've taken for granted that i'd be able to get what I wanted with just a little bit of effort, which has always been true of my swimming especially. I realise that I don't even work half as hard as other people, but I seem to always be able to stay on par with them. I don't mean to brag, really. I'm just stating facts, and that's probably what's led to this whatever attitude that I have. This is my first major exam and if I keep going the way I am I know I'm going to end up in the gutter. And I would like to be sitting in a palace, rather than the gutter thanks.

Hardcore time begins now.

I'll be there when the world stops turning
I'll be there when the storm is through
In the end I wanna be standing at the beginning
With you.

2008-10-27T22:42:00.003+08:00

So the past 2 days have been prettyyyy fun.

Yesterday was a lazy sleep in day. Headed out at 1230 for lunch with my 1st aunt, 3rd aunt, cousin, (really adorable) niece, respective uncles and mum and jon. There was srsly too much food. I was kinda in disbelief. They ordered 2 whole roast ducks and 1 plate of roast pork, 1 plate of char siew. That was on top of noodles by the way. Anyway yes it was pretty good seeing them again, and my niece is sooooooooooo cute. Will post the pictures when I can get my ass off the chair and look for my phone cable. So after that huge meal I was already stuffed to the max. To add to that, there was another gathering at Elliot's house that same evening. Too much awesome food I swear. Stewed pork buns, popiah, chicken wings, mee siam, sweet potato.... Nicest part was that the attempted to surprise me with a cake (: I say attempted to because I could actually see them lighting the candles through the day curtains that were drawn to prevent me from seeing that in the first place. Oh well still very touched (:

Today was.. training first thing in the morning ): My strong willpower overcame my lazy complaining body :D Headed to Suntec after that to watch Butterfly Lovers, which is practically a chinese remake of Romeo and Juliet. Some parts of the story were lame (as expected), but it was surprisingly not a bad movie! Anyhow I maintain that the company matters more than the things you actually do together. Lunch at Kenny Rogers and Yami Yoghurt after ((: Walked around, hung out, talked a lot of crap... The usual. Came home, napped for a bit, and then went out AGAIN for dinner with mum and jon. Xiao Long Bao at Crystal Jade! And we went mad after by walking over to Swensens to get ice cream. Ended up ordering one Merri Mint Sundae, an Apple Crumble that is seriously to die for, and 2 more scoops of ice cream. I swear I thought I was going to explode. In essence an awesome day (:

Tmr's gonna be a long day in school ): but dinner at night with the clique so YAY i cannot wait (:

2008-10-25T21:16:00.002+08:00

Lol I think today convinced me that my time in the swimming world is pretty much up.

Snapped my ankle really badly when I jumped off the block at the World Cup trial this afternoon and couldn't even do a decent underwater kick after that. Finished in a 31.52 which is a really disgusting time.

Now I can't wait for April to come and let me get swimming out of the way. Looks like someone up there's telling me that swimming needs to go and that I really really need to get my butt off (actually its on) the chair and start mugging my brains out.

PTM today really did me in. Why is it that people choose to focus and HIGHLIGHT the bad points. I mean granted they have a point, but thanks ah.

Anyway have you ever considered that I might not even bloody hell be interested in school in the first place? So everyone says I can do it but srsly what's the point, all life is about is this fking rat race and I'm not even particularly interested in it anyway. We should really be quantified by something so much more substantial than school and results. Fk no wonder nerds get all the awards. Not saying I'm a brilliant character or anything but the point is.

2008-10-21T22:57:00.001+08:00

I don't care if you don't feel like talking to anyone, I'm still gonna spam you with texts to let you know I'm always going to be there