can we go back, to how it used to be? i hate fighting with anyone, especially when its you. and its so annoying how sometimes they're things i really shouldnt even be pissed about, or when its something so small but we both get pissed. i hate it. i feel like everytime it happens it drives a wedge between us. i'm scared that its going to become a chasm neither of us can cross, or an ocean of regret that we both drown in.

no one ever said it would be this hard.

So what really makes life worth living? Is it the number of people you know? The grades you get? Affirmation from people who matter? The proverbial happiness? Or simply loving and being loved in return?

What if you are loved, but can't love in return? Its not just about saying I love you, its also about showing it, doing things that matter and building each other's happiness. What if, in making this, the biggest decision of my life to date, I also begin to lose someone who means so much more than anything else? I'm scared. And I have no idea how to handle this. Its all well and good to make promises and plan for the future, but how do you plan for a future that seems to encompass nothing but work and no time? I want this more than anything, far beyond anything else I ever have, or probably ever will want. I say I can, I really want to, but how much are we really masters of our fate? I'm dead scared I'm going to lose it, I probably will. The problem is, I have no idea how not to set the gears in motion, moving towards what seems like an inevitability. (Maybe I do, maybe I'm just being a selfish bitch) The point is. I'm freaking scared.

Can you, will you, should you, even when I can't be around? What if I'm never ever there?

I don't want this to be a could've, would've, should've. I need to know what to do. How do I tell you all that I want to? I'd sound insane. Heck I probably already do, but that's beside the point. I suppose, I should apologise in advance, for everything I have, and will ever do to you. You don't deserve all this shit.

Its going to be a long night.

So... another milestone crossed (: Thankfully it was well crossed or I'd be tearing my hair out about uni apps now. Am suitably pleased with myself, although I keep hoping that I didn't see my scores on the teachers' copy of the results slip wrongly since the smart me forgot to return the lousy blazer/skirt and so didn't get my results >< Please please please don't let me have seen the same (wrong) results twice!!!

Anyway Maldives in 4 days, am excited like you cannot believe. OMG 4 days! Means I need to start packing omgzzxzxzxzxzxzxzxz. Cannot wait cannot wait. Okay lousy short post back to figuring out how to fill in SMU apps. rawrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Okay so its 2 weeks into the new year, and can I say that without the start of school I still feel like I'm living in '09! Been feeling quite old, since I head out and see all these secondary school/JC kids, and I suddenly realise with a jolt that I'm actually older than even the JC kids. Really makes me feel quite mature and knowledgeable. I said FEEL. In any case it really is a new year. Not having to go to school after having gone every year for like 14 years since I was 4 really smacks of a big difference to my life, and somehow makes me feel that my life lacks structure all of a sudden. Mt days are generally spent aimlessly bumming around at home, occasionally clearing stuff at home, and heading out to watch movies and/or coach. Suppose I'm glad that come Sunday I'll have something extra to do during the week - new job at Chili's Resorts World with Fi, Sam, Yiyun, Val. Should be quite fun seeing as the people working there all seem to be pretty cool, and its only part time so i still get to coach the little jap kids! :D

No big new year resolution post, or 2009 reflective post, any reflection to be done has already been done, no point typing a long drawn out post on it. So far the year has made a pretty good start, since I suppose you could say my life has been pleasant, actually more than pleasant. Hopefully this'll continue to be a good year come March when the A level results come out.. I really hope everything's gonna fall into place and I won't have to spend the next couple of months worrying about university admissions. Mmkay short post, not much to blog about really.

OH and happy birthday mellllll (: Thanks for being so awesome, I don't know what i'd do without you (:

just a thought. Singaporean MRT officers are mildly retarded.

I just remembered that there was one day i was carrying my black adidas bag to coaching, and that the security officer stopped me and asked to look inside my bag. I've also noticed that everytime i carry that bag into an MRT station (and its been pretty often lately), the security officers give me/the bag suspicious looks as i walk past them. So this brings me to my question.. do they seriously think that every terrorist who's going to bomb the MRT station is going to put their bomb in a Suspicious Looking Black Duffel Bag to look the part? Wasn't it the government who warned us that terrorists are able to disguise themselves and could be anyone? So how is it that the demure old lady carry an oversized purse next to you cannot be a terrorist but someone carrying said Suspicious Looking Bag is a prime suspect? Have noticed that the staff only stop people carrying bulky/black/bulky and black bags. How does that work?

Another thought. I realise I seem to take very little interest in cultivating human relationships/friendships unless it seems certain that the person will be very dear to me. This realisation comes to me as I think about the number of people I would like to meet up with and can only come up with.. literally just over a handful of people. I don't think its because I'm a solitary person - I know that to be entirely false. In fact, I could even go as far as saying that I'm probably happiest among friends. Clarifications have to be made here, however, when I say friends. This is also where that realisation took root - that the people I'm happiest with are few and far between, and that by holding this small group of people close to my heart, I can be content. Knowing many people, and actually having friends who understand you and in whom you can confide are two entirely different matters. Truth be told, although I enjoy talking nonsense, that only happens to a point, and then I find myself wishing for the peace of company, not of the banter or stilted conversation that comes from most passing friendships, but the knowledge and comfort of knowing that whoever it is will always be there for you, and it is not what you say, but what you don't have to say that matters.

Hate to say that but amid the hustle and bustle of Christmas, the festive cheer hasn't quite seem to have infected me. All I want to do on Christmas eve and Christmas day is to spend time with the people who matter, not go to meaningless parties where I have to look for things to say, to talk about, where people ask what I have been doing/intend to do, and I find myself repeating the same anecdotes a hundred times. None of that is for me. I simply want the few people who mean the most to me to be with me. Feeling inclined to decline any invitations but I suppose that is not what is known as having Good Manners. Christmas is meant to be the season of love and of giving, but why does it feel like much of what is being done is simply to keep up appearances or whatever other reasons people do such things for.

At this point in time I can only say that i miss all of you, you should know who you are. If you don't know that I miss you because I haven't told you.. then oh well C'est La Vie but if I've told you that I miss you, then hell yes I miss you shitloads. ..You should know who you are even if I haven't told you. Okay my brain isn't used to thinking this much, think I'll go read my book now.

eight days ):

okayyy mel has asked me to blog again -.- although i seriously have nothing much to blog about nowadays!!!

hmm watched avatar on friday night, was one of the better shows i've watched in a long time. although the storyline is predictable and cliched, i have to say the visual imagery and amazing graphics just left me wanting more. i suppose watching it in 3d, as well as having sofa seats didn't hurt!! but like seriously everyone should watch avatar. then had a super late dinner at kenny rogers before rushing home.

this post is so meaningless.

all my friends are heading off to various parts of the world, and i'm still here in singapore waiting for everyone to come back ): i miss everyone, and its going to be the longest 10 days everrr ):

coaching has been pretty fun (since when was making money not fun? but still..), i got upgraded to coaching the group above learn to swim, which is infinitely cooler cause the kids actually speak english, which allows you to correct their stroke in ways more substantial than 'kick harder!' plus the jap girls are really really adorable. they actually listen and do what they're told!! too cute. it started raining towards the end of the session on sat though, and since it was a test week i had to run about on pool deck instead of being able to stay in the warm pool, so i was consequently shivering like mad for the last half hour or so! still i guess it beats working 9-5!

met kris tying and miffie after that for a quick lunch at cedele. was nice seeing them again and talking nonsense as we always do. my apple cinnamon pancakes were really quite delicious too heh. anyway after that miffie had harp lesson and kris needed to do her US apps so they all went off, and i came home to sleep lolll.

sunday was lunch at mum's friend's place who's moving to ukraine, which was awesome roast beef and misc other random chinese food hahaha. then after that spent the rest of the afternoon hanging out with, which was awesome as usual. (:

grrrrrr nothing to blog about SRSLY. i wish i were going to paris too. kbye.

Oh dear I realise its been almost 3 months since I last blogged. Since (unnamed) people whose names appear on my tagboard have been bugging me to blog, I shall. So this is, shall we say SLIGHTLY overdue, but the big A's are finally over, and so is prom. The end of A's was really amusing cause we were sitting in the ISH after the Lit paper, knowing that it was our very very very last paper like, ever, so Dan GW JY and I were sitting at the back of the hall giving one another maniacal grins :D Also helped that we finished like a week before the next people!

Life after A's hasn't been as slack as I'd imagined it to be. I somehow imagined days of slacking in front of the TV or bumming around somewhere, but it turns out I haven't been watching as much TV or dramas as I would have liked to (this sentiment x10000000) and also going out is actually tiring x10000 so sometimes I'm actually really disinclined to go out. Anyway it has still been a whirlwind of crazy outings with awesome people like Mel Sal and Chermz, we should totally go back to BB to claim our Buffalo Wings and Milkshakes etc! :D Sitting there talking crap and doing nonsense is the funniest ever. I think if we were to keep going back there the waiters will start to refuse to serve us water. We drink about 1 million gallons each time we're there. Esp Mel who kept finishing her water and asking the waiters to serve her more water when everyone else was only halfway through their glass. Also crazy outings like playing pool/L4D2 with Mel and Lucas, which can I say we totally suck at. Pool was just being retarded and targeting people (more like Mel and Lucas targeting each other! And I still didn't even win one round omg) and L4D2 was just retarded, Lucas had to keep teaching us how to use the controls and move around, and I actually got dizzy from navigating and turning around using the mouse. Will never understand how boys can play such games for hours and hours on end. I swear I lost a substantial amount of brain cells from those 2 hours alone ):

Oh and also the best thing happened, in the best possible way. But why/how does the whole world know???

Prom was also not bad, although we paid so much just to take photos in my opinion. The food wasn't even that good, and the only great thing was seeing everyone together again and hanging out! Plus I loved my dress to bits :D After prom was the best though we went to the Esplanade to hang out, just us sitting there and talking, then after that took a cab over to Clarke Quay to meet Jiahao Sally Hanni Jerome etc, but we only sat for 10 mins cause when we reached they'd all finished eating and watching soccer and wanted to go back to the hotel -.- The food counter was also closed so we all trooped back to macs at 3am for unhealthy food hahaha. Spend the rest of the night till 5am just sitting around and talking, then k had to leave for the airport while i went to sleep and wait for Jing to come. Woke up about 730 and everyone was damn shagged but walked all over looking for a Ya Kun that Jonlim was positive was somewhere. It was actually nowhere. Settled for macs at Marina when there was actually one where we were -.- Retarded. Still had an amazing time with all the people I love nonetheless!

So have also been baking a lot, managed to bake this amazingly perfect cake from a recipe my bro found online, and its been fantastic! Also managed to get a job coaching super cute jap kids! As a result I now speak random jap phrases like "straighten your arms", "straighten your legs", "kick harder", "put your head down" etc. The pay is also pretty good so I'm not complaining.

Also yesterday was alternately fun and scary!!!! Won't go into details but dinner was totally scary I was damn scared I'd screw up. Argh am sick of typing. Will blog another time! HI MEL AND SAL I BLOGGED STOP BUGGING ME PLS.