Suddenly feeling all ): and idk why. I feel damn (insert suitable feeling that I can't think of here) seeing so many people I know preparing for campaigning. Dumb, but true.

Anyway today was a pretty alright day. The silvermembers meeting today was good, its nice to see the whole event taking shape and coming together to smoothly. We also managed to settle some matters so kudos to everyone.

I'm sitting here attempting to revise econs, and the question suddenly pops into my mind: How did we go from that to this? From talking everyday for two weeks, to nothing at all? Idk anything that's going on with you now, its as if there hasn't been a proper ending to all this. (was there even anything to end in the first place??) Things feel really awkward now, even saying hi is strained and forced, and I'd rather we'd just ignored one another when that greeting comes. (Though I wish like hell we'd said hi if we didn't) I guess I don't really care if you see this and know who I'm talking about. Its just something I've been wanting to say for a while, but didn't know how to put into words.

Life at the moment is.. strangely intangible. Its there and yet its not, I'm doing things, yet my heart isn't completely in the task. I used to be so completely focused on the things that I wanted to do, but now its as if I can't seem to concentrate on anything for prolonged periods of time. I want to know when and how I've changed. (Can someone give me the answer because this is one question I can't simply Wikipedia) I laugh and everything, but today I realised that much of the laughter is false. "Laughed" at something, before I realised that I didn't even think it was funny. I knew it was meant to be funny, so I laughed, but deep down I knew that I'd rather have kept quiet. Maybe I should go back to being unresponsive and unenthusiastic like before. It seems so much easier to clam up and not let anyone in, to just live my life for me, without worrying about what other people think. Sometimes I think the biggest flaw I've developed over the years is that I care too much about others, and what they think, what they're going through, and maybe I've become so focused on other people, on helping them, that I've forgotten to help myself. When I look at myself now.. I see this poor excuse for a 16 year old. Immature in much that I do, and unable to respond appropriately to things.

Sometimes I wish I could tell someone all these things, and have them reassure me that everything will work out, and that things will be alright, but burdening someone else with my problems just seems so.. selfish and irresponsible, as if offloading my problems onto someone else means that I can wash my hands of them and start anew. If only everything in life were that easy.

Have a lot more to say but I think this post sounds way too emo as it is, so I'll just end off. I hate feeling like this. Feels like I"m stuck in the same old rut, not making any headway anywhere.

ANGELS or DEVILS

This is the last time
That I'm ever gonna come here tonight
This is the last time - I will fall
Into a place that fails us all - inside

I can see the pain in you
I can see the love in you
But fighting all the demons will take time
It will take time

The angels they burn inside for us
Are we ever
Are we ever gonna learn to fly
The devils they burn inside of us
Are we ever gonna come back down
Come around
I'm always gonna worry about the things that could make us cold

This is the last time
That I'm ever gonna give in tonight
Are there angels or devils crawling here?
I just want to know what blurs and what is clear - to see

Still I can see the pain in you
And I can see the love in you
And fighting all the demons will take time
It will take time

The angels they burn inside for us
Are we ever
Are we ever gonna learn to fly
The devils they burn inside of us
Are we ever gonna come back down - come around
I'm always gonna worry about the things that could break us

If I was to give in - give it up
- and then
Take a breath - make it deep
Cause it might be the last one you get
Be the last one
That could make us cold
You know that they could make us cold
I'm always gonna worry about the things that could make us cold.