And so we watched Hairspray on Friday. In a nutshell, the show was cheesy, and it was a lot like High School Musical, except that the singing was a hell lot better, and it had a lot less plot. (That doesn't mean I didn't enjoy it, by the way) Zac Efron looked better than in HSM, and yes his eyes are really nice, but that still doesn't stop the rest of his face from being quite screwed up still. (No offense to Efron fans) I think James Marsden is quite hot. Yknow, the Corny Collins guy. And John Travolta's fats were obviously fake cos they were SOLID. Like SOLID. They didn't wobble like normal fats do when real fat people jump (e.g. Nikki Blonsky) Was rather amusing.

Sorry does this post sound emotionless? I am feeling that way. I still cannot believe that Jaan's really leaving. I cried myself to sleep last night. Spent two hours lying in bed crying, and I think I fell asleep at about 2 plus when I didn't have any more tears to cry. I don't know why this affects me so much, but I think it's because he's the only coach that really bothered to get to know us, and to talk to us and find out what we wanted and needed, and actually bothered to explain why he did things to us. How many coaches do that? This isn't really the loss of a coach. Its the loss of so much more than just a coach. Its the loss of a friend, and mentor, a teacher. And this really hurts so much, knowing that there was nothing we could have done to prevent it, and that it wasn't because of anything that he or we did wrong. He did so much right, but thats not really what matters to them, and we all know that. That's what's wrong, that's why its so fucked up, and that's why everyone is so damn freaking upset about that. You know that he made ALL his objectives set for him, and please he didn't just make them, he totally brought the level of swimming in SSC to the next level. Like before he came we had one national age group swimmer (kang), and now, almost 3 years along, we have 10 national reps, and one SEA games swimmer. Its not easy, considering that its taken us 10 years to build our team up to what it is now, from nothing at all. And now its just going to be taken away from us again.

I don't just hate the way the best coach we'll ever have is being taken away from us, I hate the way our family is going to break up because of this. Its just. Unfair. And. Unjust. And no we really do not deserve this. All he and we ever did was work our asses off, and now this is how its supposed to end. This isn't right. Yesterday when Jaan stopped training halfway through and talked to us, I knew that there was a sense of finality to it all. It probably still hasn't hit me hard yet. Cos he's not really going back, not yet. You know when the team sat there, and you could see most of us crying, and the parent crowding around us and crying as well, I really got a sense of how damn much I'm going to miss this family, and though we probably don't treasure the friendships and stuff half the time, I know that this IS half my family, and that we really love one another so much. When I think of the times in the future when there isn't really going to be an SSC, and we've all gone to different clubs, I really really get damn sad.

There's just so much I want to say, and yet its all jumbled up in my head, and everything is fighting to be let out first, and I really don't know what I should say and what I shouldn't at the moment, and I dont' really trust myself, so we'll leave it at this tonight. I realise that we shouldn't get so upset about this cos things like this happen to people all the time, but this is the first time its really happening to us, so it does take some time to sink in and get used to. I really hate this. I don't know what to think anymore. We are now officially messed up. Sad isn't quite the word. Its more like a mixture of anger and indignation and sadness and everything there is in between. How do you begin to say goodbye to someone who's been there for the past 3 years, someone who tolerates all my slacking and shit at training, and who believed that I could do it when I didn't think I ever could again? How do you even begin to comprehend how much he's done for us, and put that emotional and physical growth down on paper? Its not possible. He was there for me, when I hated swimming, and believed in me, when I really thought I couldn't swim anymore. He believed in us, and has never stopped believing. He get angry with us and shouts at us, but we know that's cos he loves us, and each time we just get closer and understand one another better. How do you leave three years of memories behind? Its not the happy times that are the hardest to let go of, its the hardship and all the tantrums and talks that really get to me. So maybe now I'll really begin my retirement. This just doesn't fit anything I know.

This is a long post, and I really have a lot more to say. How do you fit three years of memories and gratitude and belief and fun and laughter and rapport and understanding into one blog post? Its impossible. But on a brighter note I suppose that we've still got another 2 to 3 weeks with him when he gets back from his honeymoon. I guess we all just want him to enjoy his honeymoon now, and we'll have so much fun together with the remaining time nothing else will ever replace it. Who knows? Maybe its not the end yet. There might be a faint sliver of hope somewhere. We just have to find it. Its not the end. Not yet anyway.

Say it isn't so.
Tell me you're not leaving.

PLEASE.