Too often, we (I) find that what we're living for and living up to are nothing more than other people's aspirations and dreams. Perhaps these are our parents' unattained dreams that they now project onto us, in the hope that we can achieve that which they themselves have never achieved, or perhaps someone we look up to happens to be aspiring towards a certain something, so we too decide to strive towards that. Sometimes I feel that what I do is simply a bid to please other people, to make them feel proud of me, to be accepted, and to fit in. At the end of the day however, I keep asking myself whether this is really what I want myself to be and whether I'm happy with the person I've become. Perhaps I should be in some aspects, because what I've achieved is exactly what is dictated by society, but then again, is what society wants necessarily what I want? Anyway, too often, the answer I give myself is, no. This world is too full of projected ideals that someone somewhere has decided are what they want to see in the world. Perhaps we're all insecure to some degree, because we latch onto those expectations, cite them as our own ideals, and suddenly everyone who deviates from this norm is somebody no one can be proud of. Maybe all anyone is ever looking for is themselves, but all we ever end up doing is losing more of ourselves each time we try to be like someone else, and each time we try to live up to someone else's expectations.

I used to tell myself that I didn't care, and that I'd be my own person, and live for me. (Isn't that always the recommended thing to do?) Yet the paradox here is that oftentimes I find that living for me and being my own person just doesn't do it for anyone, cause now I suddenly find myself ensnared in the net of which I'd hoped I'd never be caught in. Maybe conforming is the best way to go about things, and maybe being like everyone else is the best way to survive. When your own mother tells you she's not proud of you, you know you need to do something about yourself.

(But something inside me is screaming that this is the WRONG way and that living for myself is the only way.)

For once, I'd like someone to be proud of me, and to love me for who I am and who I can be, rather than the person that they want me to be.